March 31, 2016

How To Detect And Stop Your Own Secret Self-Sabotage

Many would choose to deny this – but the fact remains that people treat you the way you secretly ask to be treated. It is your unspoken request that determines how others behave toward you - is extended to - and received by – everyone you meet.

Your invisible inner life is the way you actually feel – as opposed to the way you’re trying to appear – when encountering any person or event.

In other words, your invisible inner life is your real inner condition. It’s this state of internal affairs that communicates with others long before any words are exchanged. These silent signals from your inner self are what a person receives first upon meeting you. The reading of them determines from that point forward, the basis of your relationship.

Unfortunately,  we are often led to act against ourselves by an undetected weakness that goes before us – trying to pass itself off to others – as strength. This is secret self-sabotage.


Any person you feel the need to control or dominate, so that he or she will treat you as you think you should be treated will always be in control of you and treat you accordingly. Why, you ask? Because anyone from whom you want something, psychologically speaking, is always in secret command of you.


It would never dawn on any person to want to be more powerful or superior to someone else unless there was some psychic character within him or her that secretly felt itself to be weaker or lesser than that other individual. Any action we take to appear strong before another person is actually read by that person as a weakness. If you are doubting this, think honestly about the past interactions and results of your own relationships. The general rule of thumb is that the more you demand or crave the respect of others, the less likely it is that you will receive it.

So it makes no sense to try and change the way others treat you by learning calculated behaviors or attitude techniques in order to appear in charge. Instead of trying to be strong, try and start catching yourself about to act from weakness.

Are you surprised by this idea? Check the following list of examples where you may be secretly sabotaging yourself while wrongly assuming you’re strengthening your position with others.

 1. Explaining yourself to others unnecessarily

 2. Making small talk to smooth out the edges

 3. Looking for someone’s approval

 4. Hanging onto someone’s every word

 5. Fishing for a kind word or sympathy

 6. Trying to impress someone

 7. Asking if someone is angry with you

 8. Expressing contrived concern for someone’s well being

 9. Gossiping

10. Fawning before people to win their favour

The next time you feel yourself about to give-in to any of the above behaviours, do this first - run a quick inner-check:


#1. See if that remark you’re about to make, or the answer you’re about to give without having been asked for it, is something you really want to do?

#2. Are you about to speak because you’re afraid of some as yet undisclosed consequence if you don’t?

#3. If you are aware of any pressure building within you, that is proof that it’s some form of fear – and not you – that wants to do the explaining, the impressing, blabbing, or whatever the self-sabotaging act the inner pressure is pushing you to commit.

Each time you feel this pressurised urge to give yourself away, you should silently but solidly refuse to release the pressure by giving in to its demands. It may help you to succeed sooner if you know that fear has no voice unless it tricks you into giving it one. So stay silent. Your conscious silence will stop this self-sabotage.

Remember the truth is that in any and every moment of your life, you are either in command of yourself or you are being commanded.


By Zoe Vanderbilt   B.Sc